Dear House Hunter

A message to the person/people who come to look at my house:

Dear House Hunter,
I am writing to give you a little insight to the way I feel about this whole house selling process and how awful house showings actually are for the seller. I would like to start by telling you that I spent five hours today (and yesterday as soon as I got the call) cleaning my house. Now don't judge me just yet and assume my house is a gross mess and that is why it took so long to get it presentable. You should know that I have two small children, a husband that works twelve hour shifts, and three cats and for all of these reasons it takes an unacceptable amount of time to prepare for your showing.

Here is how the cleaning goes....I put something away, someone takes something else out. I make a bed, two kids jump on it the second I leave the room. I wipe down the counter, someone writes with marker on it. I vacuum the couch and a furry cat sits on it. Therefore, most areas of the house have been cleaned multiple times and still look bad. I once thought about sticking my kids in the basement for a while but as you will soon read, there is no room for them down there. Also, I would like you to know that I do mop the floor although it may not look like it. I just mopped it five days ago when we had the last damn showing and probably four days before that for the one before. If you people could possibly get together and all come at once I would greatly appreciate it. I'm getting rather sick of cleaning!

Now that you know how horrible it has been for me to get the house ready for you I would like you to please abide by the following rules in order to make this a more enjoyable experience for both of us:
First, please do not open any cabinets or look under any beds (I have no idea what's under the couches for that matter, so avoid that area too). This house is full of crap that I do not know where to put and as I hope you have not noticed, there is a major lack of closet space. Therefore, I shove whatever I can in every cabinet I can find and under all of our beds. This really pisses my husband off because he can never find anything after you have left. Second, what I cannot put in a cabinet or beneath a bed goes in the basement, so please don't judge the giant amount of stuff that is down there. In an effort to make it look less crammed my husband has shoved everything towards the walls so maybe you won't notice that we have way too much unused crap down there. Third, if you desire a large yard or a garage please just cancel now and save us both some time. The listing document clearly states that we have no yard and no garage. Why on earth do you think that coming and looking at the place will change that? I'm not building a garage for you and there is no other land available for a yard. On that note, if you prefer to not be near downtown I also am not able to physically move the house itself so please look elsewhere. In addition, the showing instructions state not to let our cats outside. Therefore, if you have an aversion to cats or a severe cat allergy STAY OUT! Why are you doing this to me? If you know you are not able to live here please inform your agent of that and don't book a showing. Finally, in the same category, when you or your agent is leaving feedback on your showing please leave constructive feedback on things I can actually change. Once again I am not physically able to move the home or add more land so telling me that is the reason you won't be putting in an offer really does not help me. Seriously if you tell me you are allergic to cats or you prefer to buy a multi-family home I may have to come find you and punch you. Nice comments like "you did a wonderful job cleaning" are much appreciated.

Thank you so much for coming to see my house. My family really appreciates the fact that my cleaning efficiency is up 200% and our house looks and smells beautiful now. Please make an offer so I never have to clean it again.